stripped right out of my chest

As to why I haven't written anything for a long time, it's simple. I have nothing interesting to talk about. Yeah but why don't I have anything interesting to talk about if I have the same 24 hours everyone else was given. I must have done something with my life. Or at least feel something? Feeling for the day is "Diyana Radzi, you're never good enough". That my life is just a perfect waste of time.

Yeah I feel a lot. It's just I don't know how to project it out. Except to imagine bad things happening in my head. Yeah I do that sometimes. Guilty as charged. I'm afraid people would take it the wrong way. And cause of that, I'm afraid of being left behind. Shunned from the public. And so, I swallow it in. I swallow as much as I could. I just learn to ignore. Roll my eyes for a bit, put a pause on my emotions, hover over the file right click and delete the whole folder. Create another one just to put fresh emotions in for every other day. But even if you delete a file, it would still be in your trash can. Still in your computer. And I haven't learn a way to permanently delete it.

I was never good at that before. You know the whole swallow it in, even if its not your fault, it is your fault. Used to just take it all out. Just throw my stinking emotions onto other people. Let them carry the burden. Not anymore. I keep it to myself. Might not be good for my health but it's certainly for my own good. Cause that, Diyana Radzi, is how you mainly get in to trouble. By putting up a show. By saying out meaningless words you've never meant.

And probably since I was never quite used to the idea of sucking it in, probably, as early as it is, this is my mini breaking point. Where i take it out on my blog. Wishing no one would ever read it. So I won't get into any trouble. But I myself know, I can't take back what I said (unless I don't post this blogs and this blog would be another bad imagination of mine). Those words will definitely linger in their brains even after the word sorry is uttered. Even if you're forgiven, they might change for what you have said.

I might regret this post as soon as I press the "publish post". Cause I'm just writing out of anger and despair. Out of self-pity and all those pathetic useless feelings that causes me nothing but trouble. But then again, this is my blog and I'm allowed to have my down moments on my own blog right? Right? I should think again.

Oh please clarify with me before making assumptions. As assuming would never be good.